I Would Find Myself

In this life we only have so many opportunities to help.  It seems to me that a lot of people are focusing on problems they aren't willing to do anything about or don't have the capability.  I am not coming from a high horse position, but this my take on it.

Everyday we are bombarded with what is wrong in the world.  If you go looking for it, it is easy to find.  From the morning news to the social media posts.  Personally, I don't watch the news anymore.  I used to be a Reddit junky, a CNN junky, a weather channel junky.  Drama, drama, drama.  If you would like to know what it is in the news today, I will tell you.

The president is going to say some inflaming stuff, people are getting shot, car accidents, murders, molesters, robberies, fires, and maybe someone saved a kitten.  The weather is out to kill us and the sports team you are worried about just make the worst move ever.  Rinse and repeat 24x7x365.

My advice?

Shut it off.

There are too many problems in this world to worry about them all.  There are plenty of people fighting the battles, you don't have to take them all in.

I am coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my own personal declaration of independence.  The day that I stood up to my abusers and said "I am not doing this anymore!"  It was the hardest decision of my life and it sent me down a path I didn't know existed.  I traveled deeply inward, made a lot of mistakes, but I am here to say on the other side was something so great, I would have never believed it 2 years ago.

Well, what did I do?

I left.  I left that life behind me.  "I cut the ties and I jumped the track, for never to return." 

Everything that I have asked for, I got.

When my brother was killed, I thought it couldn't get any worse.  I called out the universe, God, whatever you want to call it....I asked in a fit of rage:

"IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!?"

The answer, in case you were wondering, was an ecstatic "NO".

I got my ass handed to me and I was all alone or at least it felt that way.

Soon I found myself in the middle of a divorce.

I would find myself living in a tent.

I would find myself sitting in front of a man that once provided for his family, a proud man, that now couldn't even feed himself.  A man that once built houses could not figure out how to use a spoon thanks to a stroke that lead to full blown dementia.

I would find myself in another abusive relationship because I didn't take the time to fix my own issues.

My aunt, a talented artist would find herself paralyzed from a stroke.

My grandfather, the strongest man I ever knew, would go to the hospital for pneumonia that would actually be stage 4 lung cancer.  He would die shortly after.  Along with that a widowed grandmother who lost her man of 62 years.

I would find myself begging for relief in the amount $100 of the $800 a month I was paying in spousal support in order to visit my dying father only to be granted $50...then told I should be grateful for it.

I would have warrants out for my arrest due to being too far in arrears.  I would find my paycheck nearly cut in half.

I would find myself in therapy because I thought I was losing my mind due to a drug that was prescribed to me for blood pressure.

I would find myself begging for help, paralyzed by depression.

I would find myself ordering the nurses to end my father's life.

I would find myself making the final arrangements for my father.

I would find myself with my father's ashes delivered on father's day.

I would find myself borrowing my mother's car because the engine in mine quit.

I would find myself using the last of my money to get an apartment because I was asked to leave a place where a friend had said "Stay as long as you need to."

I would find myself at a music festival that I helped create with the most loving and caring people I had ever known.

I would find myself sitting across the kitchen table of a childhood friend having long conversations about the journey we had both been on.

I would find myself eating sushi with a new best friend who would help me heal and introduce me to a world where I belong.

I would find myself in a church pew waiting to confess my sins and receive communion after 18 years.

I would find a court order ending my obligation after 21 months and near $16,000.

I would find myself back in the seat of my own car.

I would find myself in a tiny Mexican restaurant staring into the eyes of the most beautiful woman I have ever met.

I would find myself among the most loving and caring people I have ever known.

I would find myself crying tears of joy and finally being able to feel things again.

Through all of this pain, through all of this process, through all of the heartache, the small victories, the lessons...through all of it...

I would find myself.

Thank you.