The Breaking Point
Expectations vs Reality
Oh boy. So everything kind of came to a head...well many times in my life. The breaking point. At what point do we say "That's it! I have had enough, I am not doing this anymore!"?
Did it with smoking, being obese, marriage, jobs. I have been known for my patience as a person. I love to give people the benefit of the doubt. I love to give myself the benefit of the doubt. But at some point...something has to give.
So we are going to skip around a little bit in my story. At this point I had left my marriage/relationship of 13ish years total...5ish years of marriage. I was living in a friend's hunting cabin...a trailer off the beaten path. My father was in a nursing home at this point and my grandfather had fallen ill. Personally, I had gotten into a relationship for all of the wrong reasons and I was just about to have a mental breakdown. I had my dog Hops at the time and spent the money to have her spayed and taken care of that way to the tune of $350...and at this point I am paying $750 a month in spousal support. It was $800 but my soon to be ex and her lawyer were kind enough to agree to give me $50 a month for fuel to go see my dying father who was living 2 hours away in the nursing home. My dog was having issues with her back, I feared a slipped disk, but that wasn't the case fortunately. But 2 trips to the vet and pain meds...and I also had to start kenneling her on the weekends. So, strained financially...still had work, the pressure of a relationship, my dad had lost his mind, my grandfather was diagnosed with end stage lung cancer and passed away.
All of that going on, but there was something else. It was just bad...and I couldn't get it right. Lack of concentration, extreme depression, some sexual side effects....well it all turns out that the medication I was on for blood pressure was causing me issues. I didn't need it anymore, but the doctor never took me off of it. At points I would be sitting around and my blood pressure would be 100/65...pulse would be at 50. So, I got off of that...which was a hassle. Also, this drug was also used to help people who were trying to quit alcohol...so it was also masking a lot of my symptoms from alcohol abuse. I started to realize I had a real problem on my hands.
So the relationship ends....whatever...it happens. I get off the pills...and I am still having issues...so I am in therapy at this point. I quit drinking....which was hard. But the cool thing about withdrawal and the DTs is you only ever have to go through it once if you want to. I get some sobriety under my belt. Still in therapy, still having issues.
I remember being in my car...sitting at the end of the road just screaming "Why!?". What had I done to deserve all of this? Dead brother, dead grandfather, father with dementia, failed marriage, failed relationship, financial problems, sick dog, living in the middle of nowhere by myself...I felt like everyone had abandoned me. It was the most alone I had ever felt in my life...and I cracked.
So there I am...sobbing like a broken man would. Screaming "I am sorry!". I felt ashamed, I felt worthless, I felt like everything was my fault...I couldn't find the answers...nothing was making sense. Finally my doctor decided that I should go on anti-depressants.
I filled the prescription that day...and later that night...He would finally come to me.
Oh boy. So everything kind of came to a head...well many times in my life. The breaking point. At what point do we say "That's it! I have had enough, I am not doing this anymore!"?
Did it with smoking, being obese, marriage, jobs. I have been known for my patience as a person. I love to give people the benefit of the doubt. I love to give myself the benefit of the doubt. But at some point...something has to give.
So we are going to skip around a little bit in my story. At this point I had left my marriage/relationship of 13ish years total...5ish years of marriage. I was living in a friend's hunting cabin...a trailer off the beaten path. My father was in a nursing home at this point and my grandfather had fallen ill. Personally, I had gotten into a relationship for all of the wrong reasons and I was just about to have a mental breakdown. I had my dog Hops at the time and spent the money to have her spayed and taken care of that way to the tune of $350...and at this point I am paying $750 a month in spousal support. It was $800 but my soon to be ex and her lawyer were kind enough to agree to give me $50 a month for fuel to go see my dying father who was living 2 hours away in the nursing home. My dog was having issues with her back, I feared a slipped disk, but that wasn't the case fortunately. But 2 trips to the vet and pain meds...and I also had to start kenneling her on the weekends. So, strained financially...still had work, the pressure of a relationship, my dad had lost his mind, my grandfather was diagnosed with end stage lung cancer and passed away.
All of that going on, but there was something else. It was just bad...and I couldn't get it right. Lack of concentration, extreme depression, some sexual side effects....well it all turns out that the medication I was on for blood pressure was causing me issues. I didn't need it anymore, but the doctor never took me off of it. At points I would be sitting around and my blood pressure would be 100/65...pulse would be at 50. So, I got off of that...which was a hassle. Also, this drug was also used to help people who were trying to quit alcohol...so it was also masking a lot of my symptoms from alcohol abuse. I started to realize I had a real problem on my hands.
So the relationship ends....whatever...it happens. I get off the pills...and I am still having issues...so I am in therapy at this point. I quit drinking....which was hard. But the cool thing about withdrawal and the DTs is you only ever have to go through it once if you want to. I get some sobriety under my belt. Still in therapy, still having issues.
I remember being in my car...sitting at the end of the road just screaming "Why!?". What had I done to deserve all of this? Dead brother, dead grandfather, father with dementia, failed marriage, failed relationship, financial problems, sick dog, living in the middle of nowhere by myself...I felt like everyone had abandoned me. It was the most alone I had ever felt in my life...and I cracked.
So there I am...sobbing like a broken man would. Screaming "I am sorry!". I felt ashamed, I felt worthless, I felt like everything was my fault...I couldn't find the answers...nothing was making sense. Finally my doctor decided that I should go on anti-depressants.
I filled the prescription that day...and later that night...He would finally come to me.
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