All You Need Is Love, Self Love
A Guide to Love
You can't give away what you don't have. If you don't have love for yourself, you can't give love to other people. Period. One must know what love is in order to love give and receive love. Have you ever received a gift, maybe from a foreign place or different culture, and you have no idea what it is? This happens many times when people give us the gift of love and we are somewhat clueless as to what it is because it is so foreign to us. That was me for a long time.
I know for much of my life I felt pretty inferior. I had the challenge of being my dad's first born but also the middle child as my mother already had her first son. 2 and a half years after I was born my little brothers came along as a set of twins. I was always expected to do more and I always pushed myself to be "the best". My older brother was a bully...and I was also bullied throughout high school. My mom left about a month and a half before my 17th birthday. This is a pivotal time in a young man's life because we are getting into relationships and trying to figure out exactly what these emotions are about. A time when a young man could really use a mother in his life because they are the closest expression of unconditional love that we have. But, I didn't have that any longer and my father's way of dealing with emotions was to bottle them up...literally...and then get drunk and let them all out at once. This was a tough time for me looking back, because not only was I trying to figure out all of this, but I also had to be emotional support for my father as well. Then after I moved I would have to be both emotional support and financial support. Flipping the roles of father and son...it really affected me in ways I didn't know until later in life.
I thought for a long time that love meant being completely selfless. To give and give and give without expectation. Which in many ways is true. BUT...what it doesn't mean it changing your entire persona to please another person. This is the trap that I fell into...and I remember it well. Wanting someone and wanting to be loved so badly that I said "I will change"...and I did...for awhile. I fooled myself, I lowered my standards, I did everything I thought I was supposed to do.
The truth of the matter was, I became somebody I wasn't...and someone I didn't want to be overall. There were many aspects of that person that I liked, but I was NOT 100% my authentic self. I wasn't allowed to be. I gave up a huge part of my persona in order to please another person...that's what I thought love was. But, I didn't love myself...therefore I couldn't really love another. At some point I realized this...and I realized what I was doing wasn't fair to me and it was sure not fair to the other person.
The first step in becoming the strongest version of yourself and being able to love another person or other people is loving yourself. As cliche as that might sound, it is the absolute truth. This was a long road for me. Self care was first...forcing myself to shower everyday. I got my teeth fixed, went to the eye doctor, started shaving more regularly, got myself in the gym, cut my hair, got new clothes, daily self affirmations. The change was not overnight...and it is an ongoing process.
When you are told all of your life that what you are doing is not good enough...that you can do better. When you are told that you are ugly, worthless, a loser, a scummer, "a real piece of shit" or any other expressions you can think of that people will through at you...You start to believe it..and it takes a huge mental shift to start to think otherwise. The biggest part of this journey for me was finding out who I actually was..and falling in love with me first.
I would invite you today to really think about being kinder to yourself...and kinder to those around you. As we celebrate all things love today...remember, life is incredibly short. Let those that matter in your life know it. It will be your biggest regret when they aren't here anymore.
As always, thank you for your time and attention. I love you.
I Wish I Was - The Avett Brothers
I'm not a song
I am not a sweater
I'm not a fire
I am something better
I'm a man in love writing you a letter
Will you take it?
Will you keep it?
Will you read it?
Believe it
I love you
I'm sorry.
You can't give away what you don't have. If you don't have love for yourself, you can't give love to other people. Period. One must know what love is in order to love give and receive love. Have you ever received a gift, maybe from a foreign place or different culture, and you have no idea what it is? This happens many times when people give us the gift of love and we are somewhat clueless as to what it is because it is so foreign to us. That was me for a long time.
I know for much of my life I felt pretty inferior. I had the challenge of being my dad's first born but also the middle child as my mother already had her first son. 2 and a half years after I was born my little brothers came along as a set of twins. I was always expected to do more and I always pushed myself to be "the best". My older brother was a bully...and I was also bullied throughout high school. My mom left about a month and a half before my 17th birthday. This is a pivotal time in a young man's life because we are getting into relationships and trying to figure out exactly what these emotions are about. A time when a young man could really use a mother in his life because they are the closest expression of unconditional love that we have. But, I didn't have that any longer and my father's way of dealing with emotions was to bottle them up...literally...and then get drunk and let them all out at once. This was a tough time for me looking back, because not only was I trying to figure out all of this, but I also had to be emotional support for my father as well. Then after I moved I would have to be both emotional support and financial support. Flipping the roles of father and son...it really affected me in ways I didn't know until later in life.
I thought for a long time that love meant being completely selfless. To give and give and give without expectation. Which in many ways is true. BUT...what it doesn't mean it changing your entire persona to please another person. This is the trap that I fell into...and I remember it well. Wanting someone and wanting to be loved so badly that I said "I will change"...and I did...for awhile. I fooled myself, I lowered my standards, I did everything I thought I was supposed to do.
The truth of the matter was, I became somebody I wasn't...and someone I didn't want to be overall. There were many aspects of that person that I liked, but I was NOT 100% my authentic self. I wasn't allowed to be. I gave up a huge part of my persona in order to please another person...that's what I thought love was. But, I didn't love myself...therefore I couldn't really love another. At some point I realized this...and I realized what I was doing wasn't fair to me and it was sure not fair to the other person.
The first step in becoming the strongest version of yourself and being able to love another person or other people is loving yourself. As cliche as that might sound, it is the absolute truth. This was a long road for me. Self care was first...forcing myself to shower everyday. I got my teeth fixed, went to the eye doctor, started shaving more regularly, got myself in the gym, cut my hair, got new clothes, daily self affirmations. The change was not overnight...and it is an ongoing process.
When you are told all of your life that what you are doing is not good enough...that you can do better. When you are told that you are ugly, worthless, a loser, a scummer, "a real piece of shit" or any other expressions you can think of that people will through at you...You start to believe it..and it takes a huge mental shift to start to think otherwise. The biggest part of this journey for me was finding out who I actually was..and falling in love with me first.
I would invite you today to really think about being kinder to yourself...and kinder to those around you. As we celebrate all things love today...remember, life is incredibly short. Let those that matter in your life know it. It will be your biggest regret when they aren't here anymore.
As always, thank you for your time and attention. I love you.
I Wish I Was - The Avett Brothers
I'm not a song
I am not a sweater
I'm not a fire
I am something better
I'm a man in love writing you a letter
Will you take it?
Will you keep it?
Will you read it?
Believe it
I love you
I'm sorry.
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