Something to Believe In
Something to Believe In
So here we are. I am struggling bad with life in general. Still making it to work because I have no other choice. I go to work, I pay support or I go to jail. That simple, I can handle this reality. Dog is dog...relationship over, dead grandfather, my own father has forgotten me at this point...still living in the woods.
Yeah...so girlfriend at the time dumps me via text message...it was a LDR...so whatevs...I do what any white blooded American male does after that...I go and get fantastically intoxicated. The next day was the worst. I have stopped getting normal hangovers by this point. I would fall into deep depression along with a great case of anxiety. Thoughts of ending it...I was hashing around the ideas of checking into rehab, but something happened that I didn't end up going. I was to the point where I was asking our HR department about taking FMLA. I was just in a very bad spot. I couldn't cope.
So, I go to the doctor's and she prescribes a low dose SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) Zoloft specifically. I still have the bottle as a reminder. I took a half dose of the dose...because I lived alone and I had no idea if I would have side effects. Interesting thing about anti-depressants...the reason taking them increases the risk of suicide is because depression cause a lack of motivation. Taking these medications increases your motivation....so sometimes we are so down in a hole that we don't even have the motivation to end our life...Well, when you start taking anti-depressants you start to get motivated...and there is a chance you will then have the willpower to end your life. So we must be cautious.
ANYWAY
In my case, they bothered my stomach so much that this wasn't going to be the route for me. This was all very bad.
I will remember this life for the rest of my life. My anxiety and depression are at their peak. I am barely getting by...trying to support my own self. They cut overtime completely at work....I still have to pay out this money. I am climbing into debt just trying to get by. Drinking way too much because it was the only coping mechanism I had. It's dark...way dark. I am in my bed...trying to sleep...I remember waking up...in a dream like state. There is a spark of light and a deep calm that I had only ever felt a few times and usually while intoxicated...but I was completely sober at this point. All of my problems were still there, nothing had changed, but at that point, it all changed.
I fell into a deep sleep.
The next morning...everything started coming to me. How to solve all of my problems, kill my depression, get myself back on track. I wrote all of these things down....I will keep this paper as a reminder.
There was something else going on here. I hadn't figured that part out yet, but I knew at this point there was something more to life than I what I had thought previously. This would be my spiritual awakening...or some might say the shepherd tending to his flock.
My life had been saved. I was saved to serve a higher purpose. The good Lord was not done with me yet.
As always. Thank you for your time and attention.
So here we are. I am struggling bad with life in general. Still making it to work because I have no other choice. I go to work, I pay support or I go to jail. That simple, I can handle this reality. Dog is dog...relationship over, dead grandfather, my own father has forgotten me at this point...still living in the woods.
Yeah...so girlfriend at the time dumps me via text message...it was a LDR...so whatevs...I do what any white blooded American male does after that...I go and get fantastically intoxicated. The next day was the worst. I have stopped getting normal hangovers by this point. I would fall into deep depression along with a great case of anxiety. Thoughts of ending it...I was hashing around the ideas of checking into rehab, but something happened that I didn't end up going. I was to the point where I was asking our HR department about taking FMLA. I was just in a very bad spot. I couldn't cope.
So, I go to the doctor's and she prescribes a low dose SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) Zoloft specifically. I still have the bottle as a reminder. I took a half dose of the dose...because I lived alone and I had no idea if I would have side effects. Interesting thing about anti-depressants...the reason taking them increases the risk of suicide is because depression cause a lack of motivation. Taking these medications increases your motivation....so sometimes we are so down in a hole that we don't even have the motivation to end our life...Well, when you start taking anti-depressants you start to get motivated...and there is a chance you will then have the willpower to end your life. So we must be cautious.
ANYWAY
In my case, they bothered my stomach so much that this wasn't going to be the route for me. This was all very bad.
I will remember this life for the rest of my life. My anxiety and depression are at their peak. I am barely getting by...trying to support my own self. They cut overtime completely at work....I still have to pay out this money. I am climbing into debt just trying to get by. Drinking way too much because it was the only coping mechanism I had. It's dark...way dark. I am in my bed...trying to sleep...I remember waking up...in a dream like state. There is a spark of light and a deep calm that I had only ever felt a few times and usually while intoxicated...but I was completely sober at this point. All of my problems were still there, nothing had changed, but at that point, it all changed.
I fell into a deep sleep.
The next morning...everything started coming to me. How to solve all of my problems, kill my depression, get myself back on track. I wrote all of these things down....I will keep this paper as a reminder.
There was something else going on here. I hadn't figured that part out yet, but I knew at this point there was something more to life than I what I had thought previously. This would be my spiritual awakening...or some might say the shepherd tending to his flock.
My life had been saved. I was saved to serve a higher purpose. The good Lord was not done with me yet.
As always. Thank you for your time and attention.
Comments
Post a Comment