Find Your Faith
Find Your Faith
This has been the hardest lesson of my life.
Backstory.
In 1999, I believe, I was confirmed into the Catholic church and even though I accepted the Lord as our savior, the one true God, maker of heaven and earth, all this is seen and unseen....I didn't really believe it. Due to some circumstances in my life, being a dumb teenager, parents divorcing...lack of direction and any myriad of things a young man goes through when trying to figure out life. I promptly left the church, never to return...or so I thought at that time.
Looking back now, I can see what I was doing. I was so lost I was clinging to anything and when I felt empty, I would lash out, blame a person in the flesh for my shortcomings and remove them from my life...repeat and repeat ad nauseum. I engaged in sin...a lot of it. I entered into a marriage that was performed outside of the church. I broke every single commandment in more ways than one can imagine. I was well off the beaten path. I numbed my pain and emptiness with booze....a lot of it. I ballooned up well into obesity and there I rested. Smoking cigarettes, drinking every night, playing video games, and well...being a general waste of proverbial space. I was rooted in nothing.
Move forward in that direction for about 13 years until my first real intervention.
There I lie...30 years old, so far out of shape...230 lbs, give or take. Blood pressure has rocketed to 185 over 125. I feel like I am going to die. A benzo and a blood pressure pill...blamed it on hereditary issues. Begin Rx treatment, ignore truth...
About a year later they planned on increasing my blood pressure meds. 242 lbs I finally had a real doctor set me down and talk to me about my weight. I made a plan and went headstrong into it. Lost a lot of weight. Got my body healthy, lesson learned. Reconciled.
Still was not rooted in where I needed to be. I started having issues.
August 30, 2015. I receive a phone call at night from my mother. I was on call for work at the time. Mom calls to inform me that they were life-flighting my brother John to Pittsburgh, he had been in a accident. Work is calling to inform me that I needed to go perform my duties. As I am headed out the door the phone rings again. I will never forget the words my mother spoke. "He didn't make it."
Imagine feeling the strongest emotion you have ever felt in your life...it took me to the ground. I remember screaming to my mother over the phone how sorry I was. I made a vow from that day forward to be a better son. Reconciled. Lesson learned.
August 29, 2016 By this time my marriage had fallen apart. I was living in a camp in the woods. My father who had been suffering from the symptoms of early dementia along with his battle with alcoholism. I argued with my father the previous night about his drinking...wishing he would just leave. That evening I came home and was convinced he was drunk again. I put him to bed.
August 30, 2016...one year to my brother's death...My father has a massive stroke...and goes into full blown dementia. I vow to be a better son. I go and see my father every weekend in the nursing home until he could not remember me. I stayed with him, blessed him on his death bed...made my apologies...and he passed on June 8, 2017. My grandfather's birthday. Lesson learned. Reconciled
In that period of time I had also lost my grandfather. I was also dealing with the difficulties of divorce. I never rooted myself back in the faith, I was drinking heavily and engaging in bad relationships. I had no business trying to rebuild my life.
I got into therapy in January of 2017. Being completely lost and in the worst depression I had ever been in. Climbing out seemed impossible. I would cling to whatever came by to make me feel better. It was a horrid time in my life. It finally drove me to the point of near insanity.
I can remember times when I was at the end of the road I was living on, in my car, just screaming. WHY? WHY? Followed by screams of "I'M SORRY....so sorry..."
I remember as a child whenever I felt this way I would pray. I turned back to prayer. I listened to the audio book "Conversations with God"...it resonated with me like it did many others. But I remember in the recording in particular a message...and it talked about it being very dark...and being very alone...and you will call out..."God, why have you forsaken me?"
When I was at my lowest point...I was prescribed anti depressants. A low dose...I took one....it bothered my stomach too much to continue. That night, he came to me. It was very dark...and it was like a pin drop...and a spark....and a calmness that came over my like I had only ever felt when not sober. But I was completely sober at this point. All of my problems were still there....everything was still in chaos...but this feeling....was "everything will be okay."
It was then that I started to find my faith. Faith in God, faith in myself, faith that I could pull myself out. I remember exclaiming to my therapist what had overcome me.
That path took me back to some of my oldest friends...and on the first day of Advent December 3, 2017 I stepped back through the catholic church doors for the first time in over 18 years.
Since then I have reconciled for my sins...and I am in the process of state divorce and annulment of my unholy marriage. I am working on deepening my roots in my faith and leaving my previous life far, far, far behind.
I am not quite sure where my life is going....but he has assured me that he has shown me all that I need to know now...and to stop seeking the future. If I do, there will be grave consequences. I know what is wrong and right now...and in knowing that, I must stay true to my bond. I wear cuffs on my wrists to remind me that I am bound to Christ...and Christ alone. In my actions, thoughts, and words I shall honor him...for I had made this confirmation long ago and now realize the grave consequences of a life not rooted in the truth.
Heed my warning...believe in him for he is the truth, the way, and the life.
This has been the hardest lesson of my life.
Backstory.
In 1999, I believe, I was confirmed into the Catholic church and even though I accepted the Lord as our savior, the one true God, maker of heaven and earth, all this is seen and unseen....I didn't really believe it. Due to some circumstances in my life, being a dumb teenager, parents divorcing...lack of direction and any myriad of things a young man goes through when trying to figure out life. I promptly left the church, never to return...or so I thought at that time.
Looking back now, I can see what I was doing. I was so lost I was clinging to anything and when I felt empty, I would lash out, blame a person in the flesh for my shortcomings and remove them from my life...repeat and repeat ad nauseum. I engaged in sin...a lot of it. I entered into a marriage that was performed outside of the church. I broke every single commandment in more ways than one can imagine. I was well off the beaten path. I numbed my pain and emptiness with booze....a lot of it. I ballooned up well into obesity and there I rested. Smoking cigarettes, drinking every night, playing video games, and well...being a general waste of proverbial space. I was rooted in nothing.
Move forward in that direction for about 13 years until my first real intervention.
| Dec 03, 2012 at 7:54 pm | Emergency Room | EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT |
There I lie...30 years old, so far out of shape...230 lbs, give or take. Blood pressure has rocketed to 185 over 125. I feel like I am going to die. A benzo and a blood pressure pill...blamed it on hereditary issues. Begin Rx treatment, ignore truth...
About a year later they planned on increasing my blood pressure meds. 242 lbs I finally had a real doctor set me down and talk to me about my weight. I made a plan and went headstrong into it. Lost a lot of weight. Got my body healthy, lesson learned. Reconciled.
Still was not rooted in where I needed to be. I started having issues.
August 30, 2015. I receive a phone call at night from my mother. I was on call for work at the time. Mom calls to inform me that they were life-flighting my brother John to Pittsburgh, he had been in a accident. Work is calling to inform me that I needed to go perform my duties. As I am headed out the door the phone rings again. I will never forget the words my mother spoke. "He didn't make it."
Imagine feeling the strongest emotion you have ever felt in your life...it took me to the ground. I remember screaming to my mother over the phone how sorry I was. I made a vow from that day forward to be a better son. Reconciled. Lesson learned.
August 29, 2016 By this time my marriage had fallen apart. I was living in a camp in the woods. My father who had been suffering from the symptoms of early dementia along with his battle with alcoholism. I argued with my father the previous night about his drinking...wishing he would just leave. That evening I came home and was convinced he was drunk again. I put him to bed.
August 30, 2016...one year to my brother's death...My father has a massive stroke...and goes into full blown dementia. I vow to be a better son. I go and see my father every weekend in the nursing home until he could not remember me. I stayed with him, blessed him on his death bed...made my apologies...and he passed on June 8, 2017. My grandfather's birthday. Lesson learned. Reconciled
In that period of time I had also lost my grandfather. I was also dealing with the difficulties of divorce. I never rooted myself back in the faith, I was drinking heavily and engaging in bad relationships. I had no business trying to rebuild my life.
I got into therapy in January of 2017. Being completely lost and in the worst depression I had ever been in. Climbing out seemed impossible. I would cling to whatever came by to make me feel better. It was a horrid time in my life. It finally drove me to the point of near insanity.
I can remember times when I was at the end of the road I was living on, in my car, just screaming. WHY? WHY? Followed by screams of "I'M SORRY....so sorry..."
I remember as a child whenever I felt this way I would pray. I turned back to prayer. I listened to the audio book "Conversations with God"...it resonated with me like it did many others. But I remember in the recording in particular a message...and it talked about it being very dark...and being very alone...and you will call out..."God, why have you forsaken me?"
When I was at my lowest point...I was prescribed anti depressants. A low dose...I took one....it bothered my stomach too much to continue. That night, he came to me. It was very dark...and it was like a pin drop...and a spark....and a calmness that came over my like I had only ever felt when not sober. But I was completely sober at this point. All of my problems were still there....everything was still in chaos...but this feeling....was "everything will be okay."
It was then that I started to find my faith. Faith in God, faith in myself, faith that I could pull myself out. I remember exclaiming to my therapist what had overcome me.
That path took me back to some of my oldest friends...and on the first day of Advent December 3, 2017 I stepped back through the catholic church doors for the first time in over 18 years.
Since then I have reconciled for my sins...and I am in the process of state divorce and annulment of my unholy marriage. I am working on deepening my roots in my faith and leaving my previous life far, far, far behind.
I am not quite sure where my life is going....but he has assured me that he has shown me all that I need to know now...and to stop seeking the future. If I do, there will be grave consequences. I know what is wrong and right now...and in knowing that, I must stay true to my bond. I wear cuffs on my wrists to remind me that I am bound to Christ...and Christ alone. In my actions, thoughts, and words I shall honor him...for I had made this confirmation long ago and now realize the grave consequences of a life not rooted in the truth.
Heed my warning...believe in him for he is the truth, the way, and the life.
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