To Become The Person You Are Supposed To Be
You Must Give Up Who You Are
“When He [God] talks of their losing their selves, He means only abandoning the clamour of self-will; once they have done that, He really gives them back all their personality, and boasts (I am afraid, sincerely) that when they are wholly His they will be more themselves than ever.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
The giving up of one's ego to become who they are truly meant to be. All of our lives we have it drilled into us...Don't do this, don't do that. Sit up straight, sit down, lay down, be quiet, don't say that, get in the car, go to school, go to college, GET A JOB! Be nice, don't offend anyone, you shouldn't do that, watch your language, hold your tongue, play nice.
Eventually...at least I would hope...most men get to a point where they say ENOUGH. I know this didn't happen to me until I was near or in my 30s. I realize this happens to a lot of men at or around that age, I am not unique in that perspective. Where I might be a little unique is that I threw it all away. ALL OF IT.
I had come to the realization, over time, that I was doing everything I was SUPPOSED to do....and I was completely miserable. I went to school, I graduated, I went to college, I got the 50k a year corporate job, I got married, I was on my way to buying a house, I had the car payment, the 401k...the garden in the backyard...on and on and on.
I cannot exactly pinpoint the catalyst for change. I do know quitting smoking was a huge confidence booster for me. Everyone said it would be hard, but I quit overnight using an e-cigarette. At the time, they were relatively new and not the fog producing machines you see out there today. It still wasn't until about a year later that I journeyed into weight loss.
After about 30 lbs, people started noticing and my confidence started sky rocketing. I was becoming the person I was meant to be. I started shedding my old beliefs about myself. I could do things, I could do many things. I was a very capable person...and it is not like I hadn't done things prior, I just never really thought it was anything amazing. I was just living my life. By this time I had already written a successful menu for 2 restaurants...opened 2 kitchens, helped people save their food business. But it wasn't until I started doing things for MYSELF that I really started to realize...I am a pretty amazing being.
NOW....the pendulum swung way too far. I started to believe that I was the cause of all of this. I thought I had the power. I thought this was all created by me. Oh boy, was that the wrong line of thinking and I was put in my place...through a significant amount of pain and loss.
Eventually...at least I would hope...most men get to a point where they say ENOUGH. I know this didn't happen to me until I was near or in my 30s. I realize this happens to a lot of men at or around that age, I am not unique in that perspective. Where I might be a little unique is that I threw it all away. ALL OF IT.
I had come to the realization, over time, that I was doing everything I was SUPPOSED to do....and I was completely miserable. I went to school, I graduated, I went to college, I got the 50k a year corporate job, I got married, I was on my way to buying a house, I had the car payment, the 401k...the garden in the backyard...on and on and on.
I cannot exactly pinpoint the catalyst for change. I do know quitting smoking was a huge confidence booster for me. Everyone said it would be hard, but I quit overnight using an e-cigarette. At the time, they were relatively new and not the fog producing machines you see out there today. It still wasn't until about a year later that I journeyed into weight loss.
After about 30 lbs, people started noticing and my confidence started sky rocketing. I was becoming the person I was meant to be. I started shedding my old beliefs about myself. I could do things, I could do many things. I was a very capable person...and it is not like I hadn't done things prior, I just never really thought it was anything amazing. I was just living my life. By this time I had already written a successful menu for 2 restaurants...opened 2 kitchens, helped people save their food business. But it wasn't until I started doing things for MYSELF that I really started to realize...I am a pretty amazing being.
NOW....the pendulum swung way too far. I started to believe that I was the cause of all of this. I thought I had the power. I thought this was all created by me. Oh boy, was that the wrong line of thinking and I was put in my place...through a significant amount of pain and loss.
If you have read through this blog or are friend with me on Facebook or in real life...I dealt with a massive amount of loss in a short period of time. In the span of 3 years I lost my brother, my marriage, my father mentally, my grandfather, my paycheck, my savings, eventually my father physically...lost the place that I was living in...a lot of my friends...and I had to give up my dog.
Rock meet bottom.
I have a lot of religious friends...and it seems to be that in this day we believe that worship should always feel good...That God always makes us feel good. If this were true, there would be no suffering in the world. If we are to believe that he is the creator of all things...good and evil...then we must believe he puts us through times of abandonment. So it is always my question to our Evangelical friends...who are usually shouting and clapping at church...proclaiming that "THAT IS THE LORD WORKING THROUGH YOU!"...My question is always..."What happens when that feeling is not there?" Other people also put their faith in their fellow man. What happens when your fellow man abandons you? What happens when you feel like everyone and everything including God has abandoned you? Will you believe then?
It got really dark for me. The only thing that kept me alive one day was the thought of having to put my friend through the burden of cleaning up if I had ended my life. The thought of my mother having to go through the death of another son. I remember lying in bed, screaming for help...and no answer. I collected myself...and got to my mother's house in Punxsutawney. It took all the strength I had to get out of bed that day. I spent the weekend there...and I would go onto spend many other weekends there...and I still do. There were days where I just battled to get through. If my choices weren't go to work or go to jail due to spousal support...I doubt I would have this job.
Rock meet bottom.
I have a lot of religious friends...and it seems to be that in this day we believe that worship should always feel good...That God always makes us feel good. If this were true, there would be no suffering in the world. If we are to believe that he is the creator of all things...good and evil...then we must believe he puts us through times of abandonment. So it is always my question to our Evangelical friends...who are usually shouting and clapping at church...proclaiming that "THAT IS THE LORD WORKING THROUGH YOU!"...My question is always..."What happens when that feeling is not there?" Other people also put their faith in their fellow man. What happens when your fellow man abandons you? What happens when you feel like everyone and everything including God has abandoned you? Will you believe then?
It got really dark for me. The only thing that kept me alive one day was the thought of having to put my friend through the burden of cleaning up if I had ended my life. The thought of my mother having to go through the death of another son. I remember lying in bed, screaming for help...and no answer. I collected myself...and got to my mother's house in Punxsutawney. It took all the strength I had to get out of bed that day. I spent the weekend there...and I would go onto spend many other weekends there...and I still do. There were days where I just battled to get through. If my choices weren't go to work or go to jail due to spousal support...I doubt I would have this job.
All I can say...is that in my darkest time, I called out for him...and he came. When I felt as if everyone abandoned me...that I didn't want to go on. I screamed for mercy. I was beyond humbled.
It wouldn't be too long after this that a friend came back into my life that I hadn't been in contact with for quite some time...and not too long after that I would stumble into St. Catherine's of Siena church in DuBois, PA. Just so happened to be the first day of advent. I would confess my sins a couple weeks later and be in communion for the first time in 17 years.
Is everything great, grand, and wonderful by societal standards? No, I am still in debt...I am almost divorced. I still have to go through the annulment process...I still struggle. But...I wake up everyday so grateful to be alive.
The death and destruction of your ego...to give up yourself to him, so that you can truly become yourself. It is a gift. Give up your self will and start doing his will. Your life will change.
As always, thank you for your time and attention.
It wouldn't be too long after this that a friend came back into my life that I hadn't been in contact with for quite some time...and not too long after that I would stumble into St. Catherine's of Siena church in DuBois, PA. Just so happened to be the first day of advent. I would confess my sins a couple weeks later and be in communion for the first time in 17 years.
Is everything great, grand, and wonderful by societal standards? No, I am still in debt...I am almost divorced. I still have to go through the annulment process...I still struggle. But...I wake up everyday so grateful to be alive.
The death and destruction of your ego...to give up yourself to him, so that you can truly become yourself. It is a gift. Give up your self will and start doing his will. Your life will change.
As always, thank you for your time and attention.
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